PHSLUA Agrees to 2 Year Deal

Today, the PHSLUA (Picnic Hot Stove League Umpire Association) agreed to a new collective bargaining agreement for the 2009-2010 seasons. Chief negotiator, President, Recording Secretary, and Shop Steward, Nick, said "This is an historic agreement and one during which I hope to actually learn your American game's rules" Nick drove a hard bargain threatening a walk out if he didn't receive "...one of those clicky thingys to keep track of strikes and balls." The agreement has to be passed by a simple majority of the union's membership which includes.......uh......hmmm.....lemme see...Oh YEAH.... NICK and that's it. I guess that would mean it needs 100% approval huh?

The full agreement includes the following provisions:

• Nick will be required to pass the ASA umpires exam within 30 days of the start of the 2009 season. (Hey we made it all the way through the 2008 season without this certification)
• Each team will have 6 video replay challenges PER INNING which can be used on ANY questionable call. It is hoped that by Nick passing the ASA exam this number can be reduced in the future.
• Nick will receive a base salary of $25 per game
• Nick will have to pay all of his own travel expenses and then submit expense reports for reimbursement by the league
  
• Blinders will be provided to Nick so that his decisions won't be swayed by batted eyelashes as was suspected in one of the earlier comments regarding Jen's performance.
• An interpreter will be on hand for ALL games to bridge the language gap. The Queens English sometimes needs to be explained in the vernacular.

Some of the provisions that were rejected by the league were

• Replacing God Bless America with God Save the Queen during the seventh inning stretch
• A post-game show hosted by Nick entitled "Stump the Ump" where Nick would be challenged by viewer softball related questions. (The league only has so much cash to go around and EVERY caller would be a winner!)
• Nick adorning a wig similar to those worn in English Parliament while rendering his decisions
• Pre-game show segment entitled "Nicky's Quicky's" in which Nick would impart such wisdom as "...all cows face north..." and other useless bits of information he claims to have locked away in his mind. (See right side bar for examples)
• Official umpiring equipment to include a cane, dark sunglasses and a seeing eye dog compliments of the BAD GUYS and the GOOD GUYS.
  
• A $5 bonus per BAD GUY player ejected per game (Good Guys manager Lloyd tried to sneak this one by the league)
  

The league looks forward to a continued good relationship with Nick over the next two seasons.