PHSLUA Agrees to 2 Year Deal

Today, the PHSLUA (Picnic Hot Stove League Umpire Association) agreed to a new collective bargaining agreement for the 2009-2010 seasons. Chief negotiator, President, Recording Secretary, and Shop Steward, Nick, said "This is an historic agreement and one during which I hope to actually learn your American game's rules" Nick drove a hard bargain threatening a walk out if he didn't receive "...one of those clicky thingys to keep track of strikes and balls." The agreement has to be passed by a simple majority of the union's membership which includes.......uh......hmmm.....lemme see...Oh YEAH.... NICK and that's it. I guess that would mean it needs 100% approval huh?

The full agreement includes the following provisions:

• Nick will be required to pass the ASA umpires exam within 30 days of the start of the 2009 season. (Hey we made it all the way through the 2008 season without this certification)
• Each team will have 6 video replay challenges PER INNING which can be used on ANY questionable call. It is hoped that by Nick passing the ASA exam this number can be reduced in the future.
• Nick will receive a base salary of $25 per game
• Nick will have to pay all of his own travel expenses and then submit expense reports for reimbursement by the league
  
• Blinders will be provided to Nick so that his decisions won't be swayed by batted eyelashes as was suspected in one of the earlier comments regarding Jen's performance.
• An interpreter will be on hand for ALL games to bridge the language gap. The Queens English sometimes needs to be explained in the vernacular.

Some of the provisions that were rejected by the league were

• Replacing God Bless America with God Save the Queen during the seventh inning stretch
• A post-game show hosted by Nick entitled "Stump the Ump" where Nick would be challenged by viewer softball related questions. (The league only has so much cash to go around and EVERY caller would be a winner!)
• Nick adorning a wig similar to those worn in English Parliament while rendering his decisions
• Pre-game show segment entitled "Nicky's Quicky's" in which Nick would impart such wisdom as "...all cows face north..." and other useless bits of information he claims to have locked away in his mind. (See right side bar for examples)
• Official umpiring equipment to include a cane, dark sunglasses and a seeing eye dog compliments of the BAD GUYS and the GOOD GUYS.
  
• A $5 bonus per BAD GUY player ejected per game (Good Guys manager Lloyd tried to sneak this one by the league)
  

The league looks forward to a continued good relationship with Nick over the next two seasons.

Jeremy Submits Term Sheet

In a bit of an unorthodox move, Jeremy has submitted a term sheet outlining his demands for his upcoming contract negotiation. We know Jeremy's background is Venture Capital but is he serious? His demands are as follows:

1. Player will GIVE the club $5M in return for a 34% ownership stake
2. Player will have a say in all management decisions both on and off the field
3. Player will submit T&E reports for all away games
4. Player reserves the right to hire his own hitting coach
   
5. In the event of a capital infusion from another source, Player must be given additional shares so as not to dilute his investment.
6. Player will arrange sale of team in the event the team should win it all this season
7. Current manager will be give golden parachute package in the event of sale
8. If the team does NOT win it all, Player will rally other owners to replace the manager
9. The team will pay all legal fees incurred by the player

After we picked ourselves up off the floor and wiped the tears of laughter out of our eyes, we could appreciate the irony of Jeremy submitting 9 demands. That being said, the clubs response is simple. We are not looking for venture capital no matter how it is disguised. As for Jeremy's contract negotiations, we'll be in touch.

Greg's Contract Talks Break Down

We're sorry to report tonight that at 12:30am Tuesday, contract negotiations have broken down with Greg's agent. It seemed as though the talks were progressing very nicely. The term and the base salary amounts had been agreed upon and it really was a matter of dotting the i's and crossing the t's until Greg appeared on Fox News. In the segment Greg was asked his opinion on the proposed $250B bailout of the U.S. banks by the Treasury Department to which he responded quite eloquently that he was in favor of it to a point. No doubt the point at which his bank account ceases to be FDIC insured!

Once the clip was viewed by his agent, all talks were stopped so that he could confer via cell phone with his client. No further details were supplied, however, Greg's agent did relay ONE request from Greg, which was to change his nickname from "Meatball" to "Hollywood".

No doubt, Meat......er.......Hollywood is going to ask for more money. We hope that this TV appearance doesn't go to his head too much. We would hate to see him price himself out of the market.

Addie signs 15 year deal

Term: 15 Years
Base: $9.0M
Options: None. At the end of this contract both parties have agreed they will probably have had enough of each other to last a lifetime!
Incentives:

• Player will be docked $250 per game in which she tries to take over as manager.
• After each victory Player will have 2 interns available to wash her car.
  
• In the event of a loss, Player will wash MY car!
  

Other clauses:

• Player has agreed NOT to attend the draft and will NOT interfere with management's off season decisions in any way.
• Player's parents have agreed to prepare post game meals for the team while they play home games.
  

Comments: This deal will keep the player hurling for the Good Guys through the 2023 season. By that time it is hoped that the current COO's son will be able to step in and pitch.

Jen signs 1 year $300k Deal

Term: 1 Year
Base: $300k
Options: 2010 team option at $350k
Incentives:

• Player will earn $500 for every post game interview that she does NOT mention how great she performed. That amount doubles if the interview is after a team loss. (This is the club's way of teaching the player that there is no "I" in "TEAM")
  

Other clauses:

• Player will be given double locker space so that post game interviews can be conducted in an orderly fashion.
  
• Team will pick up diaper service costs while player is on the road thanks to diapers.com

Comments: As I suspected, this negotiation went VERY smoothly. In fact, I should have played some hard ball with the Player since it seemed the only thing that was important was the amount of press the player received and NOT the monetary compensation. Player makes Reggie Jackson and Manny Ramirez look like a total team players!

Transactions for the Week Ended 10/10/08

All players who actually played in the game on 10/07/08 are considered restricted free agents. That means that their clubs have until 12:01am on 10/17/08 to sign them to a contract and no other team can negotiate with them. After that date, the player can negotiate with any team, however, the team that signs that player must give up one draft choice to the team the player came from.

The following players are unrestricted free agents and can negotiate with any team for the upcoming season. It should be noted that each of these players indicated that they would play for the team that selected them in the free agent draft, however, at the last minute, came up with some lame excuse......I mean....reason why they could not play.

1. Trevor
2. Alex
3. Chandra
4. Sara
5. Jo Anne
6. Yosef
7. Bob G
8. Christine
9. Steve W
10. Steven
11. Michelle

The excuses....er......reasons that were used are as follows:

• A) Out of town
• B) Sore throat
• C) Date with a super-model
• D) Pregnant
• E) Hair & Nail appointment
• F) Broken wrist
• G) Meeting with client
• H) No Excuse, did not show.

Submit your matches in the comments below by indicating first the player number and then the excuse letter. Some excuses apply to multiple players. Don't be afraid to reuse an excuse, afterall, some of these players have used the same excuse year after year!!! I'll supply the correct answers in the comments next week.